I don't know how it happened, but one way or another, Melissa and I stumbled on a really useful parenting technique early on in our child-raising careers. Do you ever have those situations where a child asks for something only to throw a fit if the answer is "no"? Personally, I hate when this happens. I even hate it when it isn't my kids and I'm just collateral damage. Well, here's one way to cut down on this occurring in the first place. I've never seen or heard of this anywhere else. I don't know why not. Anyway, here you go:
Be inconsistent.
Yeah, I know that's supposed to be a bad thing with kids, and seriously, it is a bad idea in most situations. Done right, though, it can be incredibly powerful when you want your kids to learn to take a "no" calmly. Here's the rules I follow that make this actually work:
- If a child throws a fit, don't ever back down. If you back down once, then your child learns that fit-throwing is an effective technique for getting what they want. I personally have a high tolerance for public notoriety so I won't back down even when I'm in a hurry or we're in the middle of Wal-Mart on Christmas Eve. Frankly, if they throw enough of a fit, I'll escalate to let them know that they can lose more than they thought was on the table. They can go from not being able to go to a friends house to not being able to go to anyone's house for a week.
- If a child handles a "no" calmly and moves on, make a mental note of it. Every now and then (it's important this isn't every time because then it loses meaning), return to the child later and thank them for handling the denial so well. Let them know you appreciate their growing maturity. I think the delay is important because it gives them time to get over the disappointment. That way, thanking them isn't as much of a temptation for them to reopen negotiations. The bigger the disappointment, the longer I'll delay.
- In addition to #2, every now and then give the child what they asked for in the first place after all. You don't necessarily have to tell them that you're allowing them because they handled the denied permission so well, but it doesn't hurt to connect the dots. They don't always make the connections themselves. It doesn't take long for them to realize that if they handle it well there's a chance that they'll get what they want after all.
You don't have to do #3 often. A couple of times a month is all it takes. The results are really gratifying. I get compliments sometimes on how well-behaved and mature the kids are sometimes. I think one reason for those compliments is that they don't often throw fits when denied something they ask for.
I can see how getting an opening for 2 and 3 can be potentially problematic. You can open the door by adding a "well I'm certainly not going to let you now!" during a heated "no" moment. Get them thinking along the lines of how maybe if they handle things better, they'll be more likely to get what they want.
Of course, it could simply be that we lucked out with four wonderful kids who can take a "no" calmly when they ask for things. Our kids are pretty great for the most part, so I wouldn't be surprised if we simply started out with more points to spend during character creation...